One year ago:
Every waking moment was spent in that little hospital room,
but she was alive.
Now:
I come and go as I please,
but she's gone.
I am not myself these days.
I'm too busy missing her
to be myself.
Sorry if I'm a bitch.
It's been a rough year.
And the fact that it's been a year
makes it so much harder.
Maybe I'll boycott Christmas this year.
My first without her.
Why celebrate that?
I wish I was a hermit.
So I know I haven't updated in a while. I was sick for about two weeks and now the last week I've been busy making up all the stuff I couldn't do before. This last couple of weeks have been crazy so I think it's time for a super bullet list instead of a real entry.
Okay so my school schedule for spring is all worked out. Here’s what it looks like.
Monday
9:00am-9:50am :: US History from 1865 :: ESSC 255
12:00pm-12:50pm :: Elementary French :: LANG 211
1:30pm-2:50pm :: Physical Geology :: ENV 125
Tuesday
11:00am-11:50am :: French Lab :: LANG 109
12:30pm-1:20pm :: Elementary French :: LANG 215
Wednesday
Same as Monday
Thursday
3:00pm-4:50pm :: Geology Lab :: ENV 361
6:00pm-7:50pm :: Theatre Appreciation :: RTFP 135
8:00pm-9:50pm :: Theatre Appreciation Lab :: RTFP 135
Friday
9:00am-9:50am :: US History from 1865 :: ESSC 255
12:00pm-12:50pm :: Elementary French :: LANG 211
I know, it’s kind of weird, and not the most convenient schedule, but it’s the best I could do with the classes I wanted to/could take. Mostly it’s just because three of my four classes require labs. Oh well.
Last night was so much fun. I went to Eisley’s with Kirby, Nina, her boyfriend Jordan and their friend Kyle, Melisa and her friends Destiny and Derek, AJ and his friend, and Allison. I had never really hung out with any of the other than AJ and Kirby, and I had never even met a bunch of them. We just hung out and got to know each other for a while and eventually me, Kirby, Allison, Nina, Jordan and Kyle decided to go to iHop. We got crappy service, as usual when I’ve gone with that many people, but it was a lot of fun. I haven’t hung out with a big group like that in a long time, so it was nice.
This update is really boring so away I go to read Entertainment Weekly.
I know - one day. But…
Things I wish I had known before I applied:
- On average, breakfast servers only make $35 in tips for an 7-8 hour shift - and that’s the busiest time of day.
- A “busy” day consists of 35 tables in the entire shift.
- Most tips are only 10% on a $10-20 bill. You do the math.
- Asking guests if everything is okay more than once is considered harassing them.
- Being a waitress also means being a hostess, cashier, busboy, cook, and room service runner.
- There is so little organization that the tables aren’t even numbered and they don’t require their servers to learn the menu.
- “Good service” is not being polite, friendly, and welcoming - it’s being invisible.
So, yeah. I feel kind of bad quitting after a day, but that’s only because they’re pretty nice people there. But, oh well. It was a waste of time and definitely not worth getting up at 4:30 in the morning for.
The Radisson markets itself as an upscale hotel, but it’s all fake… Once you get behind the scenes, out of the public areas, it’s obvious that the management needs to seriously assess that situation. The kitchen is huge, but so open and empty…They don’t do enough business to keep it totally stocked (except for banquets and such, I’m guessing). The walls have huge stains on them, the wallpaper is old and faded, it seemed like everything was dirty, some of their cloth napkins have holes in them…It’s fake luxury. It’s all about appearances there. “We’ll set our tables and people will think we’re high-end, so they’ll pay $7 for a continental breakfast.” Sadly, it seems to work - although apparently not THAT well, considering how slow they are.
*Full disclosure: I originally wrote this in June 2007, when my brief stint at the hotel actually occurred.
I don't have a lot of time to update, but here's a quick one.
I'm going to be Cleopatra for Halloween tomorrow night at work.
Annie, Nina, and I have BFF rings.
Saturday night is hookah with a bunch of girls from work and our boys.
I think I'm going to be late to my 12:30 class because it's 11:30 and I still haven't dried my hair or gotten dressed or anything.
Okay, gonna go get ready now.
I love this colder weather but crikey are my lips chapped.
Good thing my mark. lip gloss is supposed to get here today.
Two cute guys sat in my section tonight. When I was clearing their table after they left, I noticed that they left their receipt on the table with the word “hottie” written on it. Danielle thinks they left it there as a “hey, you’re hot” kind of thing, since they were flirting with me the whole time. I think it would’ve been more effective to write “thanks, hottie” or something along those lines. Or to write it on my credit card slip that I was guaranteed to find. So I’m not so sure it was directed at me. Either way… weird. Amusing, but weird.
I'm loving this weather. Sixteen days into October and it’s finally starting to feel like fall. I love Texas for the most part, but I can definitely do without 90° fall days.
Annie and I went shopping for a little bit today. I got some great brown boots that I may or may not keep, a shirt I still haven’t tried on, and six pairs of earrings (Claire’s was having a buy two get one free sale, and I have no restraint). I still need to get a shitload of warm clothes although I’m not sure yet exactly what I need. I need to get all my winter clothes out of storage and go through them.
Whoa midnight already? Shit. I need to go take a shower and go to bed.
Young couple having picnic under tree at the top of the hill. White SUV pulls up - young couple in matching white outfits with a pale yellow dog. Dog off leash - can’t catch the ball, even when it’s not moving. Disappear over hill as picnicking couple leaves. Middle-aged couple. Man on cell phone, woman being ignored. Up the hill to the water tower. Standing, talking. Arguing? Older man, business casual, pushing little boys on he swings. Joined by older woman - “Mimi, can you help me?” Middle-aged couple down hill. Woman on phone, then off. Not arguing, but also not affectionate. Yellow truck. Hispanic man out, into white SUV. Both leave, opposite directions. One of the boys swings alone while the others slide. Where is Mimi?
I only made $105 all day today. Wasn’t very busy though. Got cut at 7:20 because Nina and I were in the bar and we only had two or three tables each for most of the night. It’s about 20% of my sales though and I can’t complain about $350 in three shifts.
Exhausted.
But, my sunglasses are supposed to get here tomorrow. Yay.
I love the girls I work with.
Girls’ night in next weekend, can’t wait.
Today was good. Made $135 in tips and about $46 in wages (although before taxes and I don’t get that until the 20th). That brings me up to $245 home with me so far this weekend, and I’ve got another double tomorrow so there’s another $150-200. Gonna be tired as hell though.
My thoughts are being reduced to incomplete sentences. Bedtime.
By the first of next month, I may not be living at home anymore.
The Boy and I found a place we like, and it’s going to be available in two to three weeks. We haven’t seen the actual apartment yet because the previous occupant just moved out yesterday, but I’m going to call next Monday and set up a time to go check it out. I’m really excited about it but I don’t want to give away any details in case things work out the way I hope.
This week is crazy for me. On Wednesday I have my three classes until 12, a lab from 1-3, and an observatory lab from 7:30-9:30. Then I work Friday night, a split double on Saturday, and a double on Sunday. I’ll probably bank at least $300 over the weekend. It’ll be exhausting though. I’m nervous about my Saturday morning shift because generally you have to wait tables there for at least four months or so before you’re scheduled for one, and there’s a good reason for that. This past weekend, Avery said that at one point he had 13 tables at one time. To give those of you who haven’t worked in a restuarant before a frame of reference, the average section is six tables at a time. Am I ready for that? No. Not at all. But I’m covering somebody’s shift and there isn’t anyone else who can, so I’m going to try anyway. At least I know I’ll make a lot of money just from the sheer number of tables I’ll have.
About a month ago I was searching for a new planner because the one I have now is a) only until December and b) ugly and hard to read at a glance. I found a black one I really liked at Office Depot, but it was only for 2008. So I said okay, I can deal with this ugly planner for another few months, no big deal.
Today at Wal-Mart I found a cute little planner that is easy to read, for 2007-2008, and was $15 cheaper. Sooo now I have two planners for next semester and I really don’t need them both. Since I can’t return the black one because I have no idea where the receipt is, I guess I’ll use the new one this school year and the black one next fall, since the new one stops at July 2007 but the black one has all of 2008. At least I won’t have to buy a planner next school year, right?
Anyway, moral of this story: I’m an idiot.
I just ordered a 3/4-sleeve top, 4 pairs of undies, and a bra from American Eagle. I usually don’t shop there because it’s too expensive on my college kid budget, but I got all of the above for a mere $36 thanks to a combined 35% off and free shipping. I know I need to be saving my money, and I am! Right now I’m pretty much only buying things I really need (although the Philosophy Purity face wash is somewhat of an exception, but it’s supposed to be really good and besides I got a free sample of DiorShow mascara, which I’ve been wanting to try but not for the crazy price it retails at). Plus I’ve managed to save about $400 since I started at Prairie House, so there.
Besides, a good deal like that helps make up for the fact that my brand-new (albeit very cheap) printer does not print.
I have a reading test in US History tomorrow. First test of the semester, whoohoo. I think I’ll do pretty well on it since it only covers 4 essays, 3 of which I read thoroughly and one of which I tried to read thoroughly. At least it’s not over the notes, since I skipped that class - and Mass Comm - the last two times. I’ve been really bad about going to class this week. Monday I didn’t go at all, Tuesday I went to both my classes, Wednesday I only went to my astronomy class, and today I only went to my health psychology class. I also skipped and rescheduled a lab twice (it’s on the 27th now and I will not - CANNOT - reschedule it again). The first time was because I was late thanks to Zeus getting out of the house and today I blew it off to have dinner with Ellen, Chris, Megan, and Megan’s roommate. It was a lot of fun although I did feel a little guilty about skipping my lab for it. Next week I’m making a point not to miss any classes since skipping is not a habit I want to get into. Just gotta keep my mind focused on a 3.0 GPA.
Also, eight months today… RIP♥
I found out Monday night that a girl I knew died of an overdose this weekend. Heroin or coke. She was only 22.
Yesterday my sociology professor anounnced that his dog had been hit by a car that morning and died.
Tomorrow is the eight month anniversary of my mom’s death.
It is not a good week.
I don’t know but I’ve been told
When the music gets down in your soul
It makes you want to loose control
And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
I’m skipping class today for the first time. Only a week in, isn’t that terrible? I just don’t feel very good today and I definitely don’t feel like sitting in a hard plastic chair being totally bored for two hours, when he already has the slides online. I’ll probably go to my second class though, if only because I like the people there.
My bag is supposed to get here today. I’m hoping it comes before I leave for class, which will be around 2:45, or after I get home at 5. I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to stuff like that. As soon as I get a new bag for school, or a purse, or wallet, or anything like that, I always sit down immediately and put all my stuff in it and get it arranged how I like it. Isn’t that dorky?
My Dad talked me out of buying a Mac… He pointed out that if all I’m going to use it for is school, why spend $400-500 more for a Mac when a Windows XP notebook will do the same thing [almost] as well? And yet Mac is still better, no matter how you look at it…*sigh* If only I was rich. Then I could just buy a Mac and that would be that.
Sister: “Do you have $4 in ones?”
Me: “No, I went to the bank today so I don’t have any cash on me.”
Sister: “You know, most people say that the other way… They went to the bank, so they DO have cash.”
Me: “Most people don’t wait tables.”
I had a five year old try to order whiskey on Monday night.
His mom laughed and ordered him a “kid’s whiskey” instead. Definition: “Sprite with a shot of Coke.”
Five year old boys should not know what whiskey is.
Also: The guy at McDonald’s yesterday recognized me from the gas station I had seen him at earlier. It was a little strange.
With a white woman and a black man at the head of the Democratic party presidential nominees list, 2007 could have a serious impact on American politics. If things turn out the way the Democrats want them to, the 2008 election will be unlike any in American history in that it will be the first election to ever feature a candidate who is not a white male. Either the color or the gender barrier in Washington will be broken. In many ways, we're already well on our way to that point. The last black man to announce candidacy - Al Sharpton in 2004's election - "cheerfully admitted" he had no chance of winning nomination; this year, Barack Obama came in second only to Hilary Clinton in a study done by a University of New Hampshire Survey Research Center.
The big question is, can race or gender change a viable candidate into a laughable one?
I say it could, but it shouldn't. Obama is an extremely intelligent, extremely well-educated man. His political fortitude has yet to truly be determined - he spent seven years in the Illinois State Senate and has only been a member of the US Senate since 2004 - but his short political career has already gained him a fair amount of popularity, especially in Illinois, and he seems to have fairly solid political beliefs. If he were white, he would be considered an ideal candidate. As for Clinton, who says a woman cannot be a good leader? As "advanced" as America is, I find it extremely telling that while other nations have been electing women presidents for years (María Estela Martínez de Perón served as president of Argentina from 1974 - 1976, Corazon Aquino was president of the Philippines from 1986 - 1992, and more recently, Michelle Bachelet Jeria was elected president of Chile in March 2006), America still finds them incapable of that kind of leadership. Granted, we are a much bigger country than Argentina, the Philippines, or Chile - but that doesn't make our women any weaker.
Unless the Republican party can miraculously pull The Perfect Candidate out of its ass, the Democrats will have my vote in 2008. I think a political shake-up is just what this country needs.
Facing the mirror,
Eyes squeezed shut.
Imagining bones
Peeking out from skin.
Clavicles extruding.
Hipbones poking.
A child.
Turning away,
Ashamed.
Today marked the offical end of my personal leave at The Factory (a department store). When I started it nearly two months ago, I left to the sounds of over-played Christmas carols. It's true that retail ruins classic Christmas songs for people. After hearing a bad version of "Santa Baby" eighteen times in one eight hour shift, you end up hating it.
Needless to say, I was relieved to walk in and realize that the season for Christmas carols was long past, and I could return to listening to Mediocre Adult Contemporary while I worked. You can imagine my dismay when I discovered that the new soundtrack was even worse than not only the Christmas one, but the MAC one they were playing before Christmas. Among such decent but slightly past-trendy songs as Over My Head (Cable Car), Lonely No More, and Chasing Cars were songs such as Father and Daughter by Paul Simon, which contains this gem:
...I'm gonna stand guard, like a postcard of a golden retriever...Now, I know the song is about a father loving his daughter, and that's very sweet. But... a postcard of a golden retriever? Really? Like, of all the random imagery they could've come up with, a postcard? Of a not-so-threatening dog? I'm not gonna lie. I laughed.
"Night, love you lots," he says.
"Aww," I think. "Love you more," I say.
But it's too late; he's gone.
Maybe somethings are better left unsaid.
My mom slept on the fold-out sofa the last two years of her life. She claimed it was more comfortable for her than a real bed, and she said that since she got up and down all night long, she would just be disturbing Dad. When she went into the hospital, my sister and I folded the couch up, but decided to sleep in the living room anyway, on an air mattress. It helped us feel close to her. We've slept on that mattress every night since.
Yesterday I made my bed. Mattress pad, sheets, two blankets, a heated blanket, and my comforter. (Yes, I live in Texas, but what can I say? I get cold easily, and besides that my bed is next to two large picture windows. Not to mention it allows me to sleep as close to naked as possible without being cold.) Crawling into bed last night felt...odd. It was like sleeping in a distant relative's spare room. It's familiar enough to allow you to sleep, but ultimately foreign because you haven't spent much time there. It was nice to feel the weight of real bedding on top of me, instead of two blankets and a heated blanket; at the same time, the crowded comfort of another sleeping person and two spoiled dogs was missing.
After two months of practically living in a hospital room, and a month of living everywhere in my house but my room, I'm finally moving back in. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it.
I haven't organized my Firefox bookmarks in ages. This wouldn't be so bad except that when I add a page, I never put it where it should go. I just hit "add bookmark" and let it go into the default folder. As a result, my main bookmarks list consists of 11 [mostly useless] main folders and 52 unsorted links. "How do you ever find anything?" you ask. That's the problem - I don't. I bookmark something to "come back to later," but when later arrives, the idea of sorting through such a long list for something I can't remember the exact name of is too daunting, and I give up immediately.
I think it's about time to do some spring bookmark cleaning. Let's see what I can find...
Flock? What's Flock? Apparently it's "the social web browser." Looks interesting. I'll keep it around, but where to file it? Hmm...I think maybe I need to make a catch-all folder. "Grapefruit" sounds like a good folder name.
Why do I have a folder called Lightening with a bunch of random links in it? A bio on The Knot, a Tiffany's item I don't really like, a random The Knot page, a NaNoWriMo signature page, an Open Table page, a photography tutorial, a deviantART browse page, a NaNoWriMo forum page, the iTunes download page, and a Flickr page. o_O I'm less confused as to why I bookmarked these as to why I bookmarked them together. From the title, though, I think it was one of those "oh no random storm hurry and shut down the computer but first bookmarks all your links in one folder" moments.
Hmm, this looks interesting. The link title is "Refund Please." Ooh, it is interesting. They call themselves "the original online retail price drop tool" and they exist specifically to help you get your price drop refund from various websites, if you're eligible for one. I'll have to look into that later, but for now - Grapefruit.
I think I'm going to change Grapefruit from a catch-all folder to a "check out at a later date" folder. Creating new catch-all folder: Miscellaneous.
Link title: "Question of the Month." Ah, a tutorial about tilt/shift lenses. That can go into my Photography folder.
Oh, here's an ever-useful link, courtesy of OEN: fuck me music. The big question - where do I file it? Hmm. I do have another bookmark with a list of color-related songs, so maybe it's time to start a music folder.
Google search for fruit sauce "sour cream" brown sugar" "orange liquor" (what? I was looking for a recipe) can go into Grapefruit, as can the Dirty Spoke blog awards page. My 2005 poetry page fits nicely into Miscellaneous.
It's sad that I have to open most of these links in order to remember what they are. I really must do this more often.
...Okay. After nearly an hour, my 52 links are all nicely organized and I'm really sick of the internet. I'm going to go watch Breakfast at Tiffany's now.
I'm in the process of pimping my blog. This isn't the complete version - I still have a lot of work to do - but it's definitely an improvement over the simple layout I had before. Of course, I'd be working much faster if Blogger hadn't completely changed the way their layouts are coded. >< As it is, it still feels really simple, but since I have to relearn pretty much the entire code, it's the best I can do right now.
Okay, there's my obligatory "I'm updating the layout yippee hooray" post, for the zero people who read this already. I'm going to stop talking now.
I threw my cell phone at the wall last week, and it's decided to retaliate by not working. You would think it would be used to hitting hard objects at a relatively fast speed, seeing as I drop it almost every day, often on hardwood floors. In theory, one more collision, albeit a bit faster one, wouldn't make much of a difference. Apparently not. I was having problems with it not getting a signal before I threw it, but now it almost never has one here at home. Not only that, but even when I'm out and about, 95% of the time it refuses to ring when somebody calls me, and when it does ring, it drops the call almost immediately. I'm only getting my text messages and voicemails hours after they're sent, if at all.
Why did I have to abuse my phone so before I went back to work? I couldn't have waited until my personal leave was over and I was earning money again? Even better, couldn't I have waited until my plan comes up for renewal in May, and I'm eligable for a cheap upgrade?
Of course not.
Instead, I'm stuck with a mostly useless phone until I can get my ass back to work and save enough money to replace it. I think I can get a really nice phone on eBay for less than $100, but at the moment it would have to be less than $30 for me to afford it. The only problem is, I have no idea what phone to get. Requirements:
[x] I'm 18.
[x] It's normal to hear the contraction y'all where I live.
[x] My best friend is my fiance...
[x]...but my darling puppy is a close second.
[x] I enjoy being drunk.
[x] I do not enjoy partying.
[x] Photography is my biggest passion.
[x] I'll be the first to correct your grammar mistakes.
[x] I've never lived alone.
[x] My mom died of ovarian cancer on January 13.
[x] I've long fought an uphill battle with anxiety.
[x] I never leave the house without putting on eyeliner.
Some of these facts are vital to understand my psyche, some are not. If you keep reading, you may get to figure out which ones are which.
