Why Americans Suck

I threw my cell phone at the wall last week, and it's decided to retaliate by not working. You would think it would be used to hitting hard objects at a relatively fast speed, seeing as I drop it almost every day, often on hardwood floors. In theory, one more collision, albeit a bit faster one, wouldn't make much of a difference. Apparently not. I was having problems with it not getting a signal before I threw it, but now it almost never has one here at home. Not only that, but even when I'm out and about, 95% of the time it refuses to ring when somebody calls me, and when it does ring, it drops the call almost immediately. I'm only getting my text messages and voicemails hours after they're sent, if at all.

Why did I have to abuse my phone so before I went back to work? I couldn't have waited until my personal leave was over and I was earning money again? Even better, couldn't I have waited until my plan comes up for renewal in May, and I'm eligable for a cheap upgrade?

Of course not.

Instead, I'm stuck with a mostly useless phone until I can get my ass back to work and save enough money to replace it. I think I can get a really nice phone on eBay for less than $100, but at the moment it would have to be less than $30 for me to afford it. The only problem is, I have no idea what phone to get. Requirements:

• pretty
• fit in my back pocket
• color screen
• no major problems
• unlocked
• sturdy enough to withstand being dropped a lot

I would prefer it fall into the following catagories as well:

• flip phone
• not motorola
• inner screen bigger than 128x128
• rated well on CNet and PhoneScoop
• less than $200 unlocked or $150 locked

See? I'm not that picky. And yet, the "good ratings" thing alone knocks out so many promising phones. Of course, I need to remember that my Moto V551 has served me well up until the past few months, and I'm sure the reason it's crapping out now is because I've started dropping it so much - and CNet users give it a 6.2 out of 10. All evidence points to the same conclusion: I should stop paying so much attention to ratings and reviews and look for a phone I like, not a phone they like. If I do so, here are my top contenders:


Motorola MPx220
(smartphone with Windows 2003)


Motorola KRZR K1
(sooo much better for small people than the RAZR)


Sony Ericsson Z525
(like it, but apparently I can't drop this one)

However, if I were to go by user reviews, my contenders would be:










Nothing. Know why? Because according to America's cell phone users, the only decent phones are the ones that cost upward of $300, and there's no way in hell I'm paying that for something I'm going to keep for a year, two if I'm lucky.

Just another reason most cell phone users suck.

Quick Ref

[x] I'm 18.
[x] It's normal to hear the contraction y'all where I live.
[x] My best friend is my fiance...
[x]...but my darling puppy is a close second.
[x] I enjoy being drunk.
[x] I do not enjoy partying.
[x] Photography is my biggest passion.
[x] I'll be the first to correct your grammar mistakes.
[x] I've never lived alone.
[x] My mom died of ovarian cancer on January 13.
[x] I've long fought an uphill battle with anxiety.
[x] I never leave the house without putting on eyeliner.

Some of these facts are vital to understand my psyche, some are not. If you keep reading, you may get to figure out which ones are which.